Having it my way: This “Tender Crisp Bacon Cheddar Ranch” TV commercial is still the best advertisement I have ever seen.
I don’t know about you, but I have been feeling both overwhelmed and numbed by the constant stream of Google, Facebook, and Instagram ads that are served to me. Don’t get me wrong, I appreciate the Big Brother approach to showing me goods and services based on my internet usage just as much as the next guy, but while these targeted placements are frighteningly predictive, not one of them has any passion.
No soul. No humanity. No fun. No cheerleaders, chicken costumes, or cabooses, either. And certainly no Darius Rucker in a cowboy getup starring in a surreal technicolor music video.
Don’t know what I’m talking about? Enter 2005, a year when we still watched live television… that’s how I first encountered what has become my advertising Rosebud.
Take a gander:
Now watch it again, maybe with a loved one.
So first of all this is Darius Rucker, yes the former lead singer of Hootie & The Blowfish. While there is no real Hootie, everyone in the world thought Darius Rucker was Hootie and it is my belief that this Burger King commercial helped orchestrate one of the biggest career genre switching comebacks in history, resurrecting young Darius and transforming him into the mega country star that he is today. I mean, it was less than three short years after this spot ran that Hootie, er Darius, would release his own country debut, and soon after that become a legitimate member of the Grand Ole Opry.
Now watch the video again. Find your happy place. Put some pants on. I’ll wait.
Without drawing too much attention to Brooke Brooke and the assorted other hotties (both male and female) roaming about, I want you to take particular notice of the timing of the video, in specific how the lyrics are in melodious sync with the visuals. Honestly, I have seen only a handful of music videos close to that level of perfection.
The song is catchy for a reason — it’s a parody of Big Rock Candy Mountain, which itself became a revitalized hit when it was featured in the film Oh Brother Where Art Thou— but the original was written almost a century ago.
I’ve included the lyrics to the Burger King version below. This is another good moment once to watch the commercial, maybe sing along this time. Everything just flows like a dreamy delusion.
When my belly starts a-rumblin’
and I’m Jonesin’ for a treat,
I close my eyes for a big surprise
the Tender Crisp Bacon Cheddar Ranch.I love the Tender Crisp Bacon Cheddar Ranch
The breasts they grow on trees
and streams of bacon ranch dressing
flow right up to your knees.There’s tumbleweeds of bacon
and cheddar paves the streets
Folks don’t front ya ’cause you got the juice
there’s a train of ladies coming with a nice cabooseNever get in trouble, never need an excuse
That’s the Tender Crisp Bacon Cheddar RanchI love the Tender Crisp Bacon Cheddar Ranch
No one tells you to behave (behave)
Your wildest fantasies come true
Dallas cheerleaders give you shaves.Red onions make you laugh instead
and french fries grow like weeds
You get to veg all day
all the lotto tickets pay
there’s a king who wants you to have it your way,
That’s the Tender Crisp Bacon Cheddar Ranch
the Tender Crisp Bacon Cheddar Ranch
What you just experienced is nothing short of fantasy and magic. Personally, I didn’t even know I wanted (needed?) such a sandwich from Burger King until I saw this ad. I honestly do not even know if it’s still on the menu, but I will never forget the legend of the Tender Crisp Bacon Cheddar Ranch, a series of words and images that are permanently branded into my brain… and now hopefully yours.